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Military spouses understand “community” differently from most people. We build it, lose it and rebuild it faster than feels comfortable. When I think about how my military spouse community has changed over the past 20 years, I marvel at how much I have changed as well.
Frequent moves, deployments and career disruptions can make lasting relationships feel just out of reach. And just when you find that community you have been waiting for, one of you will get orders.
It’s important to remember that your friendships as a military spouse are often meant to be for a season. And it’s OK. We can’t ever go back to the years we spent together at a duty station, and we also know that every friendship isn’t going to last through moves and changes. So we dig in when we get somewhere, hold on when we can and appreciate the friendships we have in the moment.
1. Stay Connected, Consistently
Community doesn’t last on good intentions alone; it lasts through consistency. Regular check-ins through texts, Marco Polo or virtual coffee dates can help relationships survive moves and deployments. Even quick messages or shared updates remind spouses they still belong, regardless of distance or time zone.
I have two military spouse friends who live elsewhere, and I communicate with them almost daily. One is primarily through Facebook Messenger and mid-afternoon phone calls, the other through Marco Polo and early morning FaceTime. She loves me so much that she gets up at 5:30 to make it work. And I’ve managed to make the periodic trip to see each of them over the years.
Read More: Finally, a Transition Program Designed With Military Spouses in Mind
2. Engage. Don’t Wait to be Invited
A strong community grows when spouses move from scrolling through online groups to participating in them. We already know that commenting on posts, welcoming new members and sharing helpful resources build familiarity and trust over time. This can get exhausting by the third or fourth move; however, we know it works, so it’s worth the effort.
When I moved to Florida, where we were only going to be for about six months, I used the local spouses’ Facebook group to find a babysitter, a gym and a church. Then I sat back and watched the interactions in the group. I learned from others’ questions and posts, so I remained informed without being overly involved. It was perfect for that season.
3. Utilize the Spouses You Know
If the military spouse community has one thing going for it, it’s that we are a massive network of “get it done” people. Moving to a random National Guard base? We know someone who knows someone there. On recruiting duty, we’ve got you covered. Plus, you know we love a challenge.
Thanksgiving 2020 found a friend of mine changing plans at the last minute, with two sick kids and a sick husband, so she didn’t have any groceries in the house. So, what did I do? I reached out to my military spouse community and found someone who knew someone in her area willing to pick up groceries and deliver. The two women had never met, but the network prevailed and found some community for that young, exhausted military spouse.
Read More: How to Leave the Military Community Well
4. Prepare for Interruptions
The military spouse community requires flexibility and patience. Even when we’re all in the same place, we battle last-minute schedule changes, sick kids and work schedules when trying to make plans. And then, friends move, schedules change and availability shifts with seasons of life. Extending grace — to others and to yourself — creates space for relationships to grow over time. Strong communities are built through encouragement, understanding and shared support rather than constant presence.
Twenty years after I became a military spouse, and several years after my husband retired from the Army, I still rely on my military spouse community. They are the ones who “get me.” And when my life suddenly goes haywire, as it did four years ago, the people who gathered around me were the ones who have been a part of my life the whole time. Military spouses are some of the strongest people I’ve ever known, and if you call one of them, it’s like calling all of us: We’ve got you covered, minimal questions asked.
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23 Comments
I’ve found that it’s essential to be proactive in seeking out connections and community, rather than waiting to be invited, especially during the initial stages of a move or deployment.
The author’s use of Marco Polo and Facebook Messenger to stay in touch with friends who live elsewhere is a great example of how technology can help bridge the distance between military spouses.
I’m grateful for the author’s honesty about the difficulties of maintaining relationships as a military spouse, and the importance of accepting that some friendships may not last beyond a particular season or duty station.
The article’s message about the importance of community and connection in the life of a military spouse is a reminder that we are not alone, and that our relationships are a vital part of our well-being.
The author’s point about engaging with online groups and participating in them, rather than just scrolling through, is crucial in building familiarity and trust within the military spouse community.
The author mentions that frequent moves, deployments, and career disruptions can make lasting relationships feel just out of reach, which I can definitely relate to as a military spouse myself.
The idea that friendships as a military spouse are often meant to be for a season is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s a reality we must accept and learn to appreciate the time we have with others.
I’ve found that even though some friendships may not last, the memories and experiences we shared can have a lasting impact on our lives.
The author’s use of specific examples and personal anecdotes makes the article feel more relatable and authentic, and it’s a great way to illustrate the complexities of military spouse life.
The idea of utilizing the spouses you know to get things done is a great tip, and it’s a reminder that our network is often more extensive than we think.
The author’s reflection on how their military spouse community has changed over the past 20 years is a reminder that we are all constantly evolving and growing, both as individuals and as a community.
I appreciate how the article acknowledges the exhaustion that can come with constantly rebuilding relationships and communities, but also emphasizes the importance of persevering and making the effort.
The author’s experience of using online groups to find resources and information in a new area is a great example of how technology can facilitate our transitions and help us settle into new environments.
The story about the friend who got up at 5:30 to make time for a morning FaceTime call is a beautiful example of the sacrifices we make for our friendships and the importance of prioritizing relationships.
The fact that the military spouse community is a massive network of ‘get it done’ people is so true, and the story about the friend who received groceries from a stranger through the community’s efforts is a testament to that.
It’s amazing to see how the community comes together to support one another in times of need, and it’s a reminder that we’re not alone in this journey.
I’m curious to know more about how the author’s experience with the local spouses’ Facebook group in Florida helped her find a babysitter, gym, and church, and how that impacted her transition to the area.
The author’s personal experience of communicating with friends daily through various platforms is inspiring, and it shows that with effort, we can maintain strong relationships despite physical distance.
I appreciate how the article highlights the importance of consistency in maintaining relationships, such as regular check-ins through texts or virtual coffee dates, to help survive moves and deployments.
The fact that the military spouse community is not just about personal relationships, but also about supporting one another through challenges and difficulties, is a powerful aspect of our collective experience.
The article’s emphasis on appreciating friendships in the moment and not getting too caught up in the impermanence of relationships is a valuable lesson for military spouses to learn.
I appreciate how the article encourages military spouses to be proactive in seeking out community and connection, rather than waiting for it to come to them.
I’m interested in learning more about how the author has managed to make periodic trips to see friends over the years, despite the challenges of military life.